Music Made Me Who I Am.
I am inspired by music, it takes me to another place so far away.
As a child I shut out most of my world using music, it was the only way I could
deal cope. I would listen to angry music like Eminem and spit the lyrics to release some of my buried pain. In the school hallways I stuck to myself, and my headphones. You could always find me sitting against a corridor wall staring into a abyss. My friends wanted me to join them for lunch.. I would follow but I was never there.
To this day, it is hard to find me without my MP3 player on, head banging or singing away. The beats bring me emotions I never thought I could feel. So loud, all I can feel is desire and passion in my heart, it is almost unbearable. When I feel this, it is like a form of self torture.. I can’t figure out how to release the intensity of what I feel, yet I want it to continue. Dancing and singing helps release the feeling a little but it is not good enough, I need to find out where that passion and desire is directed. Sometimes (even in the public eye) I can’t help but laugh and start rave dancing or singing out loud, out of frustration. I need to feel the strength of my words carry into the wind.. One day, someone will hear my voice and find me.
Music made me open up, it tore down the thick diamond walls that 5 years of counseling couldn’t. No longer am I afraid to say what is on my mind or how I feel. Nothing will bring me down. Nothing can make me believe I am not good enough. When I can’t find the words to describe how I am feeling, I look to music and lyrics.
The intense passion made me want to come out of my dark and lonely shell. It pushed me to become someone I remember only dreaming about years ago. It make me want a voice. My OWN voice. Now you can’t get me to shut up, and all I want to do is express me. If it wasn’t for music, I would not be the complete person I am today. Coming from staring into an abyss, to singing my heart out on public transit, is a desired change. I can now freely express some of that forever building desire and passion through singing, dancing, art and words.
But still I do not know what that passion and desire is.. is it a passion to dance? Sing? Or simply just to express myself because I was not able to before.. Whatever it is, my frustration is building and containment for that feeling as well, will be difficult to achieve.
I am 20 years old and still discovering parts of me.